“He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.”
Yesterday, I was feeling very motivated to run but because I ran 3 consecutive days in a row, I "forced" myself to not give in to the "running addiction" motivation.
I need the rest, and have to wait and stick it out with the plan for Berlin Marathon 2017: build up slowly, work on being strong, stay focused on why I am running Berlin and BE in the process. No rush. No living it up for short-lived rewards.
"Bloom through the concrete!"
This morning, I woke up early and stood up right after my husband kissed me goodbye and left for work. I half-heartedly ate a just on the edge of being ripe banana and drank coffee (yup, the coffee I was trying to give up!) to wake up my sluggish body even though my mind was already in manic mode.
|I mentioned my wish to give up coffee |
during Training Week 1, 2, 3
My compromise, drink at least 1-2 mugs a week.
When I looked outside, there was a twinge of regret that I resisted yesterday's urge to run! The sky is overcast and my motivation metaphorically hid behind the clouds of self-sabotaging negative thoughts and anxiousness over this week's trip.
|“The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” |
― Lao Tzu
I meditate on the power of these wise words and the memory of a great trip to Hamburg, Autumn 2015
I am munching on a peanut butter sandwich as I write this blogpost. Hopefully, after I finished this blog, my sandwich has settled and I can run; this process (decluttering my mind) is my way of being pro-active and banishing all these negative thoughts and energy, which threaten to drown me.
No one can help me out of these debilitating anxiety attacks but myself. The more I expect "help", "miracle", "impulse" to come from the outside, the more I am wrought by inner-pain. I've been here - the cycle of falling in a hole, climbing out of it - a thousand times to know: the feeling will disappear, the moment will pass and strength will be gained, when I continuously face the situation I dread, the many unknowns, that I fear.
The trip would mean a lot to the process of stabilising my mental health. It is one little step of many for this year. When I reach the proverbial finish line, I can focus on taking good care of my family, my health, working, studying and enjoying our simple life, here in the Netherlands.
Motivation, are you there yet?! :)
Looking back at the weekly recap of Berlin Marathon training, I am filled with a sense of quiet fulfillment and a deep sense of pride. I am focused. I am determined. I am not giving up! I will continue to steadfastly work on running strong and have fun in the process.
My reward: I get a chance to run in Berlin again, 5 years after I finished my first marathon successfully. It's symbolic for all the many chances I get in life again and again. Chances I do not take for granted.
Are we running, today? Heck yeah!
UPDATED 22.02.17 15:12, Wednesday