On my (edit 09.07.13 - old deactivated) Facebook account, I created an album journal when I finally begun with running. I felt it was going to be a huge help if I share what my goal was with my family and friends, and get the needed moral support. Specially, when I am not feeling specially motivated.
It's been over 9 months since I created that album journal dedicated to running, which I called, The Running Story - A Journal. It is where I recorded my first 5K, my first 4M, and my first 8K in images and journals.
|The very first training day, with the thought: it's NOW or NEVER! 8th of August, 2011|
|First 5K - 28th of August, 20 days after I begun training to run|
|18th of September, my first Dam tot Damloop, and my first 4M|
|Goal achieved - ran first 8K and finished at the Olympic Stadium in Amsterdam, 16th of October|
After it became full (FB - at least in my case - limits an album created to 200 images), I created another album, and called it, The Running Story Continues - A Journal. There I recorded my training with mijn liefste P for our first Run2Day Halloween Run in Amsterdam, and the run itself. It also archived my first Amsterdam Olympic Stadium Run, where I run my first 10K, and three consecutive missed running events due to illness.
After convalescing, I continued with my running, and continued journaling it in this album journal. I went on to record my first Vondelparkloop (6.7 kms), my first Tuesday run with the Amsterdam Running Junkies, my first Zandvoort Circuit Run, where I achieved my first Sub40 in a 5K.
|my first Vondelparkloop (6.7 kms)|
All that happened in the first three months of the year.
After Zandvoort, I felt strong, confident and excited for all my scheduled run in the month of April. I had a running event scheduled almost every Sunday: a 5K during the Jaarbeurs Utrecht Marathon, a 5K in Hilversum City Run and the highlight was the Hamburg Marathon Relay at the end of the month.
I was able to share images of the first two events in the album albeit only snippets of those experiences. When my dream of participating in Hamburg Marathon was fulfilled - I waited almost 2 decades to fulfill it! - I sank in a hole somehow.
I did share a couple of images from Hamburg but did not include it in the album but in another album.
Today, I finally added another image to that album, and as it's title said, "The Running Story Continues..."
Below is the image and the story I shared with it:
It's Not Always About PR (Personal Record)It's been quiet for sometime now, in this album journal.
I had another massive attack of writer's block, a huge portion of paralyzing self-doubt, and yes a good dosage of anxiety.
Pretty, ironic since it happened right after another fulfilled dream - finally being a part of Hamburg marathon event, something I've dreamed of doing for decades. Something, I could not have done without the help of running sisters!
All the self-inflicted pressures weighed heavy on me.
It took weeks, a couple of months time to be exact and a lot of support from family, friends - specially sisterhood and brotherhood (blogging, running, soulfriends) to remind me, that it's okay to be me, and follow my path, and make a change (even if a tiniest ripple), in the process of trying to make myself a better person. May this be a better mom, partner, sister or better friend, or better runner, or better part of the community engage in social issues.
The thoughts below were my confusion of the last couple of months...
Was I stupid to register for a marathon, even if it's a childhood dream, and I am slowly, steadfastly working on the goal, which is simply: to finish it!
Why am I putting myself out there to be possibly made a fool for sharing my thoughts, emotions, what I care for, what I am passionate about through my blogs...will it reach out anyone? Will it even make a tiny ripple to change the world positively?
Will people ever understand that people, who suffer from depression, from bipolar-disorder are not lazy, thoughtless, or irresponsible? They don't need to be pitied, they don't need things solved or done for them. They need self-empowerment, which can only truly be given to them by themselves. What helps the healing of people, who suffer through it, is kindness, patience and understanding....
I lost a friend, this month. No, the friend did not pass away, only our friendship died. I cried my insides out since this friend, knew me from the inside out, or at least I thougth so.
In the end, this friend gave me a powerful lesson. Something so very old, everyone must know it, and we do know it really, but it is so very hard to remember.
I can only be me, and my how I struggle to be me, and be true to myself, and still fight the urge to please everyone for acceptance and love.
Connection. We all want to feel connected, even as we struggle with our own identiy, and individualism. We all want to belong.
It's hard to belong when you struggle with yourself. Somehow, it always communicate wordlessly. Your fears and insecurities are mirrored and reflected back to you, when you are with others. This is when miscommunication arises...
Only when you are at peace with yourself will you recognize, and not constantly feel the nagging doubt that somebody is against you or disapprove you, judges you or rejects you.
See the yellow man in the collage? It's suppose to be a representation of myself, according to the racing results. From way behind of the pack, I am working myself in the middle.
Should it mean anything else than a visual aid to kick my bum (scusi) to train better? Or is it symbolically there to show that I am better person, runner, or the opposite of it all....
At least for me it tells a different story.
Running gave me back my mental and physical strength. It's not my religion but a bearer of the message, "Yes, indeed, step by step, we can be strong and we can reach our goal, and have clarity that it's only ourselves, that stands in our way."